How being the nice girl ruined my life and how I stopped!

I was always the super nice one. I kind of had to be. I grew up with a dad with a temper of a monster and raised an environment around domestic abuse, addiction and emotional neglect.

Born an empath and highly sensitive child I learnt young to be what others want you to be to keep yourself safe. Using my super power of feeling others feelings to help me.

Because sometimes doing what the adults in my home wanted made them calmer. So I developed a belief that I could control others emotions by being nice.

So it became unconsciously how I did life throughout my adult life.

This is how the nice girl was ruining my life …

1. Ignored relationship red flags

Whether it was friendships, family or romantic love if someone treated me badly. Insulted me, took out their emotions on me or  was emotionally abusive I would be angry with myself and take their behaviour.

Believing I had done something to deserve it . It was my fault and apologise for disappointing them.  I took it upon myself to absorb their emotions, shame myself and shovel the pain down with food or wine. All because setting boundaries was too scary for me. Plus I had a strong belief that I was the issue and these people were in the right.

This made me a magnet for narcissistic / abusive relationships. Some which were incredibly subtle but soul destroying. 

 

2.  Putting everyone's needs above my own stalled my life 

I was always busy doing all the things for everyone else. Wedding prep, baby 

/bridal showers, bachelorette parties, birthday, break ups, house moves, grief... you name it ... I was that friend and family member that was there for everyone... Giving to everyone ALL OF THE TIME!

My diary was slammed  from taking care of others and doing things to be liked. I had a limiting belief underneath it all that I myself wasn't worthy of love just as I was I had to be what others wanted me to be to receive love. Being liked by everyone, always the bridesmaid and never the bride.

Keeping myself so busy with other people's needs meant I could keep ignoring my own. I wasn't able to move forwards with my life. I was single for decades because I didn't give myself any space or time to focus on myself to see what was going on within so I could actually have a healthy relationship.

3. Too nice to say no

I could not say to no to others as it just felt so unsafe.  This meant I did a lot of things I didn't want to do and became really resentful about it. I felt under appreciated and taken advantage of. Yet I said nothing! My time , my energy and even money spent on others meant I continued to invest in everyone else but me which meant my life went nowhere whereas others thrived . Even being silent when I didn’t agree with other people’s point of view so I could avoid confrontation at all costs.

I was in a career that didn't fulfil me,  no relationship, money struggles, a hate relationship with my body all because I poured all my energy into everyone but me .

4. Overly responsible!

I could spend nights awake feeling anxious that someone was angry or upset with me. I was constantly on high alert scanning all my relationships to see if they were OK. And what did I need to do in order to maintain them. Putting all the upkeep of relationships on me. If relationships were drifting apart I would blame myself or take it upon myself to save them. 

The hardest part was somewhere inside I knew that all these relationships I poured so much energy in if I stopped how many of them would survive without me doing what I had always done. That I wasn't enough to be loved just as I am.

5. The overachiever is magnet for chronic disease 

Being nice spread to many areas of my life including work, education and hitting goals. I would do more. Push myself more. For that outside validation. When I began to heal from my childhood I even did this with my healing journey. Pushing myself more and ignoring my bodies discomfort. 

My sleep got worse and worse. I treated my body with distain.  Pushing it to be skinny or hurting it with food / alcohol to numb my emotions . As Gabor Maté says the body says no when we can't!

I began to gain weight no matter how much I pushed myself  to loose weight and my blood tests showed auto immune ,thyroid dysfunction,  high cortisol, cholesterol,  pre diabetes  and lots of inflammation.  Basically my body was attacking itself. It showed up mentally as  well as anxiety , poor sleep, overwhelm in my daily life. 

Being nice had not only destroyed my health, burnt me out, blocked my own dreams from happening , got me in debt and was a recipe for abusive / unbalanced relationships . It was literally killing me slowly!

It had to stop.

In all honesty I have been making small changes for many years as the nice girl is wired deep into my unconscious mind from my years of survival with my parents . She still comes up... All of these behaviours I did was from my relationship with my parents. As it wasn’t safe for me to be ME as a child. So I learnt to be everything else but in order to survive.

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If you are ready to let go of the nice girl and claim back your power. These are my go to tips...

1. Be aware of the nice girl behaviours

With compassion notice that you want to do the behaviour and don't do it. Soothe your nervous system instead. So your body feels safe. I love to EFT tap, talk to my inner child, give myself a hug , do some breath work or just orientate to my space to tell myself that I am safe right now. It takes practice but it feels less scary over time 

2. Get some support

Somatic therapy and nervous system repair work has been a wonderful investment for this as it works with the mind body connection.  When you can feel safe in your body even when you disappoint others you know your nice girl is healing.

3. Step back from the over giving and pour that energy into you

Look at your diary.. How much of the time spent is your nice girl trying to be liked or looking for outside validation?  Cancel those plans and fill your diary with practices to fill up your energy cup. Some of my favourites walks in nature , baking , lying on the grass, listening to music or a podcast,  Reading and  journaling to myself. Learning how to be your own best friend instead of looking for outside all of the time. All of that love you give to others it is time to give that all to you

4. Boundaries with yourself and others

 

Saying no, prioritising you and stopping yourself from doing things that drain your energy is a deep form of self love. It will feel scary first and points 1 and 2 will really help you with this.

5. Show yourself self compassion instead of self shame 

One of the hardest things about being a nice girl for others is I was the mean abuser to myself. Taking over from my dad. Pushing myself. Nothing was good enough. Shaming myself so much that I put myself under chronic stress and made myself ill. Gently notice when your self shaming and choose self compassion instead. I literally took after my dad as the abuser. My life was safe yet my mind kept telling my body I wasn’t. Learning how to step into self compassion changed everything.

All of this will take practice as you are releasing a survival habit you learn from very young age. Take it one small step at a time. Celebrate yourself. Be kind. Take it slow and you will get there. 

Soon enough you will be ok with others not liking you and appreciate those who love you for being your authentic self not all the stuff you do. 

You can heal your mind , body and soul from being the nice girl. The first step is awareness and the next making new choices . So be brave enough to choose yourself today and create a life that makes YOU happy not others!

Are YOU ready to heal from the nice girl and be your authentic self? It is time to join my signature programme Heal Your Inner Child!

Find out more about the Heal Your Inner Child Programme here

Sending lots of love and healing vibes always

Manpreet xxx