
Growing up in a home with dysfunctional parents that lack emotional maturity and are struggling with their own traumas makes dysfunction NORMAL.
Your parents feel unsafe to your body and your nervous system but that is all you know. So of course, when you grow up you will be a magnet for toxic relationships. This is not your fault. This is simply how your unconscious mind and nervous system were programmed since birth.
I grew up in a home with addiction and domestic abuse. Some days my parents were an utter dream other days I just wasn't safe.
They were not bad people they were traumatised by their own childhoods. But sadly, my young body and mind didn't know this. And I was unaware that I grew up in a traumatic environment.Â
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As they told me that these things were just normal as their parents had told them too. So, when they shamed me for having needs or for not being there for them, I believed what they told me that it was my fault.
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You just don't know when the explosion will happen so your small body learns to survive for trying to guess when it could happen and trying to be super good so that somehow you can control it.
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The real kicker is because of this unconscious programming your nervous system picks a familiar hell over an unfamiliar one. As you grow you will gravitate towards relationships that feel the same and then blame yourself.
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This isn't your fault at all. You just don't know what you don't know it all. You will keep attracting similar relationships to help you to heal the wound.
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These can show up in romantic partners, friendships, colleagues, bosses, clients literally anywhere.Â
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It can be so subtle you didn't even notice the abuse, but you are finding yourself betraying yourself in order to feel safe.
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As these relationships will repeat some of the patterns with your parents. For example, my mum would blame and shame me when she felt negative emotions. She would not speak to me for ages and then when she finds words she would get angry and shame me for not being there for her.
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So as an adult I attracted many female relationships where women would do the same thing. I would repeat the pattern of collapsing in shame, people pleasing and giving my power away to get that crumb of love and contact back. So, I wouldn't be rejected and feel that childhood pain of the dance I had with my mum.
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These friendships were not consciously doing this either they were repeating their own family pattern, so we did a dance of dysfunction together.
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But as we heal, we can end these patterns and either repair the relationships so they are healthier like I have with my mum or walk away from people who don't want to change and would rather blame you and stay in their victim.
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The more I have healed I have noticed that relationships can really react to you changing and healing. Relationships that use to make sense no longer do. For me my family relationships were so obviously toxic that I didn’t really notice the more subtle signs from relationships where the toxicity was less obvious.
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But the more I healed relationships that use to feel soothing began to feel different as they reacted to me changing.
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It is really good to check in with your relationships on a regular basis to see if the temperature has changed and if they are no longer in alignment.
Here are 10 signs that the relationship is no longer for you:
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1. They deny your reality saying that it is ‘wrong’ as it is different to their point of view. For example, you say you felt angry about something, and they just tell your being super sensitive, roll their eyes and say your feelings are wrong and in valid. To just get over it. Your changes make them feel uncomfortable and they don’t agree with your new point of view. But they said it is because your wrong. Â
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2. They blame you for their emotions rather than taking responsibility for their own mental and emotional wellbeing. They want to lash out on others rather than see what their triggers bring out in them and having an honest loving conversation about it.  This could be grief because you are changing but it isn’t communicated to you in that way.
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3. Using passive aggressive behaviour like ignoring you or not responding to messages to communicate their feelings rather than an honest, loving. open conversation where you can repair your relationship.
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4. Sarcastic jokes to put you down and help them manage their own low self-esteem.
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5. Threatened by you putting yourself first or healing as they don’t want to do the same.
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6. Do not celebrate your successes and growth.
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7. Not a balanced relationship in giving and receiving. You have always given more, and it is seen as your role in the relationship. When you don’t do the giving the relationship kind of dies. They don’t value you as much as you do them with their time and energy.
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8. They have to be in limelight and are uncomfortable by you learning to be more yourself. You can almost feel the envy and the jealousy at times just for wanting to improve yourself.
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9. You feel like you are chasing their love and attention that it isn’t given freely and with ease.
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10. They preferred you when you were suffering or with less self-worth.
First step is to identify that this relationship has become more toxic and no longer in alignment. Imagine it like a certain food that your body use to love and now it makes it sick. It is what it is. Â Forgive yourself and show yourself compassion for choosing that familiar hell. Â However unconscious it is. There will also be grief and that is ok too. Allow yourself space to feel all your feelings.
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If the other person is open to change and healing, you can talk through the patterns of your relationship and heal together to move past your family patterns. By having an open loving honest conversation where you discuss the patterns, how you both feel and what you will not tolerate anymore. Setting boundaries for how you will be treated.Â
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As these behaviours are not acceptable and will harm you.
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If the person doesn't agree to this that is because they are not open to healing right now. That is ok. You can lovingly end a relationship because it is not in alignment with you and your needs.
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We need to normalise walking away. We may feel guilt, shame, anger, rage, sadness and grief and that is all ok. This moment shall pass.
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I found that I was often accepting toxic behaviours because I was afraid to be alone so I took whatever love I could get. As some attachment felt better than none.
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I would let bad behaviour escalate and not have the tools to deal with it, so I have run away from friendships in the past and ceased communication as that is all I had the nervous system capacity at the time.
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That is the only way I could keep myself even though some relationships I may have been able to repair if I had just expressed my truth or needs.
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As I have built my boundary muscle over the year it has been so empowering to became more detached and look at whether relationships nourished me and my energy. To think about what I actually did want in friendship or love rather than what I use to.
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To actually sit there and go what do I value in relationships like consistency, kindness, connection, authenticity and were the relationships in my life based on this or were they just based on common history. Were they based in fear or in authentic connection.
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This journey is a work in progress I find that there will be an element of my relationship with my parents that I was unaware of even now and I will accidently attract in a relationship in the present. But as soon as I begin to notice that it doesn't feel safe, and it is triggering me. I get curious on what this relationship is shedding light on
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It shows me what to heal and what boundaries that I need to communicate. Feeling safe to protect myself now in a way longed for as a child.
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Relationships take time and energy to maintain. If they drain us more then they energise then that is a problem. We can repair and improve them or let them go.
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Either way you are safe and building such an important skill - boundaries. When you were raised to people, please it feels scary and super uncomfortable.Â
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That is just because it is a new skill is all. Like riding a bike or driving in time it will get easier, and you will stop hurting your inner child. Somatic practices to soothe your nervous system are so powerful when developing boundaries so your body can feel safe in doing the scary things.
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You are worthy of healthy loving relationships that support your healing and growth not sabotage it or hold you back.
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It took me a long time to have healthy romantic love. My relationship with my husband is the most honest relationship I ever had. I express my needs and am loved unconditionally for my light and darkness, but he is not afraid to tell me when I cross his boundary. In order to have this I had to let go of many toxic relationships with men.Â
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The healing meant I could have this marriage I have now. Slowly slowly I am healing from the dynamics with my mum and dad and my inner child is becoming freer from the past...
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And having love and compassion from the relationships that didn't stand the test of time. Our paths crossed for the opportunity of healing.
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Forgive yourself and themÂ
Allow yourself to heal and have relationships that build you up rather than tear you down. You are worthy of more.
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Surrounding yourself with a nourishing tribe will elevate your healing and growth even more.
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So, you can truly move past the trauma of your childhood and give yourself a better life.

Manpreet is the creator of the podcast Heart’s Happiness, where she talks about intergenerational trauma, and is also a coach who helps people make peace with their past and rewrite their story by learning how to love themselves and their inner child. Check out her FREE MASTERCLASS, Freedom from Anxiety, where she shares her proprietary technique to help with anxiety.
Follow her on Instagram here.
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